National Infertility Awareness Week

This week is National Infertility Awareness Week.

If you know me at all, you know how close to home this hits for me.  Navigating infertility and the emotions associated with the journey is an experience I will never truly be able to put behind me.  While my journey is over, it is a very real journey for so many women – 1 in 8 actually.

My journey was fairly public.  Through it I met some amazing individuals and have been able to talk to others who have not been as forthcoming with their journey.  As a woman, this is so difficult.  It is what our bodies are supposed to do.  Infertility is not just medical.  It is equally, if not more so, emotion.  The battle to get pregnant, losing a child, and failed treatments take their toll.  The side effects of all the drugs are an entirely different animal.

During this week, I encourage you, if you know someone who is fighting this battle to just start talking.  Please don’t give an off the cuff easy answer. These include, but are not limited to:

• Just relax, you are stressing too much
• My best friend’s cousin’s aunt’s niece got pregnant miraculously after trying for years.
• It’s not your time yet.
• Want my kid?  They drive me batty.
• Would you mind hosting my baby shower?

It is OK to not have an answer.  It is OK to say, “That sucks.  I wish I had an answer for you, but I don’t.  I wish I could make this better for you.”

I see people posting about a “woman’s reproductive right” and how it’s about a “choice” and not about “abortion”.  This is a falsehood.  It is absolutely about abortion.  If it was a genuine concern over a woman’s reproductive right to have her fertility be her choice and seek the medical care, covered by insurance, to access treatments, it would include fertility treatments.  I cannot get behind the “woman’s reproductive right movement” until they include the 1 in 8 women who are fighting fertility.  Women with infertility are forced to take out loans, second mortgages, or forfeit treatments because the cost can range from a few hundred to tens of thousands of dollars.  This is to GET PREGNANT with no guarantees. People say it’s a choice and they should pay for it out of pocket if they want a baby. Ironically, many of these people are the same ones who post about demanding insurance cover abortion and birth control. This makes no sense to me.

To those still on this journey, my heart hurts for you.  Though my arms are no longer empty, my heart will never forget.  It’s OK to cry.  It’s OK to be mad.  It’s OK to want to talk or want to be private.  There is no “right” way to handle this journey.  Bean is absolutely my miracle.  I trust your miracle, no matter how it arrives, will come.  I will hope for you in the darkest moments.  Please know that you are not alone.

 

 

For my Bean

My Dear Sweet Bean,

I’ve wanted to write you for awhile now.  I’ll be honest though – I was scared to death.  Some days there is a still a gripping fear paralyzing me.  I’ve wanted you for so very long.  We’ve tried and failed so many times.  Yet, by some miracle, after three years and a treatment we were told wouldn’t work, I now feel you kicking in my belly.

I remember the first appointment with the fertility specialist (our third one).  I had canceled the appointment due to some family issues.  There was an error in their system and I got a call confirming my appointment.  Your dad said, “There’s a reason it didn’t cancel.  We should go.”  Your dad came with me.   After another routine set of tests and ultrasounds the doctor said IVF was our best option.  The next question came – Do you want to start right away?

We needed to get our medications approved anyways so we said we would do the medications – rounds of shots of Gonal-F and a round of HCG.  We had to time everything perfectly.  We were told it wouldn’t work and to live life normally.  So we did.  I was put on more medications.

The day before our follow-up appointment to get our next steps for IVF your dad and I had been sitting in the pool enjoying a lazy Sunday afternoon.  I knew, after years of experience, I needed to be prepared for a negative result so I took a pregnancy test that evening so I could have my breakdown in private.  Two lines appeared.  I stared at the test for a good 10 minutes.  My mind started swimming, “This is a joke right?  Is the test broken?  Well, maybe there was still some hormone shot left causing a false positive.”   Then the most paralyzing thought causing me to sit down, “What if I lose this one too?”

After gaining my composure I walked outside and handed your dad the test.  I’ll never forget the look on his face and the tears welling up in his eyes.  Just a whisper, “Is this real?”

I won’t go into the day in and day out of the first few weeks but I was ecstatic one day and petrified the next.  Lingering thoughts of the past crept up and sometimes it was all I could do to breathe.  At one point a familiar pain welled up in my left side.  I called the clinic and was told to come in. I held onto my tummy and told you to hold on.  Everything looked good and no worries so I was sent home.  Restrictions on everything were placed on me and I followed – fearful one wrong move would turn this joy into a painful sadness.  The day we heard your heartbeat I felt a relief – there you were.  You did look a little funny, but I’ve been told that’s normal.

Your dad was with me when our specialist said you were a boy.  I had secretly wondered if he would be in awe of this as he already had two children.  The look on his face though, as he stood up to get a closer look at the monitor calmed any of those fears.  You were our baby, an answer to so many prayers.

Tomorrow I will be 19 weeks pregnant.  It would be a lie to say I wasn’t still terrified at times but those days are fewer.  You just keep growing.  I’ve dreamed about you and not just since I’ve been pregnant – for years you have been in my dreams.  I used to wake up empty wondering why you felt so real and yet I could not conceive.  There are journals of painful days.  I’m a do-er baby boy.  Your momma wants to fix problems.  However, this was one issue I couldn’t fix.  No diet, exercise, or medications were changing our situation – until now.

There are so many more things to tell you – my hopes for you, how much you are already loved, how I will probably fail you more times than I can count.  I will in time sweet bean.  April seems so very long to wait to meet you.

I love you to the moon and back,

Momma

A little heartbeat

I’m absolutely over the moon right now.  I’m also scared to death.

I guess these two are not normal emotions together but I feel as though given our history – these two emotions are not as far fetched as one might imagine.

Three years ago we began trying for a baby – We knew it would be a hard road considering my husband had to get “unfixed” before we could start trying.  Thanks to the persistence of calling and the Urology Department at Madigan – we received a call one day claiming we had “Won the Urology Lottery”.  The surgery would be free for us.  A surgery we knew would cost $8,000.  Then came the worry of whether the surgery would work – and it did.  I took it as a sign good things were going to happen.  We were both young, healthy, and active.  This would work.

We began trying the first summer after we got married.  The first year of marriage, living 2500 miles away from home, was definitely challenging and we faced our share of trying moments.  I worked as a part time high school teacher and to make sure we could afford to fly his kids out for Christmas and pay for presents – I worked a part time job at a Border’s kiosk.  Talk about humbling – I’d been in charge of millions of dollars and now I was a part time teacher and a part time calender kiosk lady.

When we hit the 6 month mark and no success I talked to my doctor.  She referred us out to a fertility doctor.  Dr. Shelton was a good man ,old, but good.  I had mild endometriosis and what he called adenomyosis.  There wasn’t anything they could do for the adenomyosis but surgery was necessary.  The surgery was successful and he recommended IUI and cholmid.  We tried it and it worked! At 8 weeks something was wrong.  An ultrasound at the ER revealed my measurements at 5 weeks and 3 days.  I had to do a DNC alone and felt all 6 of the needles they stuck in my cervix due to the fact I couldn’t have pain killers and drive myself home.

We took a break and when we decided to try again we moved doctors and went to Madigan’s Reproductive Endocrinologist.  I had multiple blood tests and things seemed fine.  They considered my fertilty unexplained but recommended a round of chlomid and this time a trigger shot and what they call an intercourse cycle (which was good because turkey basting isn’t all that fun).  That treatment failed and they recommended another round of chlomid, a trigger shot, and IUI.  We did that treatment and it failed as well.  So we stopped again.  By this point I had gained 15 pounds and I was done trying for awhile.  The doctor said we could keep trying but one more miscarriage or one more failed IUI and I’d likely be on the path to IVF.

When we got to Texas in May of this year I met up with a friend from High School who happened to live in the same town we bought our house (small world).  She used the Center of Reproductive Medicine prior to conceiving their baby girl.  I looked it up, read their reviews, and decided to flip a coin.  When the coin was in the air I knew I wanted to try again.  We set our appointment for July – which was right smack dab in the middle of my husband’s kids visit.  The times we have with them are great, but stressful.

This past summer was no exception to the stress of summer time – but with one big caveat – less than 48 hours after my stepkids got here my stepson asked to live with us full time.  How on earth was I going to do fertility treatments and adjust to living with a teenage boy?  I was completely unsure and decided to cancel my appointment until after it was decided what would happen.  One night after a series of text messages let me know exactly what was thought of me and my husband and how we were nothing more than spectators in the lives of his children, I decided I was done.  I’m not sure what changed or what clicked, but at that very moment, my heart permanently shifted.  Gone were the hopes of peace and the desire to give everything I could to two children I’d grown to love and admire.  It was at that moment I knew the course of our life was changed forever.  I just wasn’t sure how much until a couple of days later.

I’m not sure what happened in the clinic’s system, but somehow my cancellation never went through and two days before the appointment I received a call stating they had received my referral but not my paperwork for the appointment.  Say what??  When I told my husband he said, it’s a sign, I think we should go.  We quickly filled out the paperwork and prepared for the appointment.

The first appointment with my doctor was LONG.  So long in fact, my husband had to leave, go pick up his daughter from gymnastics, and come back.  It was decided we needed to have my medications pre-authorized through insurance and that I needed to have more blood work done.  They recommended IVF given our history and we knew this was probably our best option.  They told me to start with two rounds of injectibles, come back for another ultrasound, then an HCG trigger shot, then follow-up with estrogen and progesterone.  We were told this treatment wasn’t going to work but we needed to do it.  So we did.  I will say, giving yourself a shot is awful.

The kids returned to their mom, our lives got back to normal, and we moved on.  We had begun a way to budget for IVF and knew this was our plan. I still work in Seattle so I made my bi-monthly trip and was sick each night.  I thought it was the medications.  I didn’t even feel like drinking wine anymore.

On Sunday, August 3rd, the day before going back to the doctor I decided to pee on a stick just because I have one.  (If you are trying to have a baby, it’s likely you’ve bought lots of pregnancy tests so having one around isn’t unusual).  It said positive.   Ummm… Hmm…  Well, she said the hcg trigger shot could yield a false positive.  A quick Google check and counting the days and I knew that it was a long shot it was a false positive.  I gave the test to my husband.  He looked at me and started to tear up saying, Seriously?  Is this real?

Could it possibly be that the one hail mary of a treatment not even designed to work would give us our long awaited baby?

My doctor’s appointment the next day was to go over all of my tests.  I had dropped my phone in my glass of tea that morning and it was out.  The doctor was late, my husband was gone for a few days, and I had zero contact with anyone.  I read 4 magazines while I waited.  Finally when the doctor came in she went over all of my tests letting me know that I have an autoimmune issue that is likely what causes my miscarriages. She said we can treat that when we get there.  She asked how my last cycle went and said they needed to the pregnancy test before we moved on.  I told her I took a home pregnancy test and it said positive.  She said, Wonderful and why didn’t you say anything before?  I told her I worried it was a false positive.  She did some quick math and said no, it’s not.  She sent me to get my blood drawn and said they would call me in the morning with the results.  She gave a list of instructions and a prescription for more pills if I was pregnant to begin taking.

Like any other sane infertile woman, I did not fill the prescriptions, but went straight to the store and bought another pregnancy test.  I took it and yep, still positive.  I received a call the next morning (checking my voicemail from Skype repeatedly) and called back.  I was pregnant.  Yay!  Now what?  The worry is I lose this one too.  I was told to come in on Friday to make sure everything was looking good and my HCG was rising as it should.

Sure enough, Friday came and I was still pregnant.  My levels had risen as expected.  My first appointment would be two Mondays away.  REALLY???  So we wait.

The Thursday before my appointment I had pain and twisting in my left side.  I finally called the doctor and they wanted me to come in.  The baby was fine and there was no major issue.  I was all set to come in on Monday.

Finally Monday – this day, we would see the heartbeat if all was well.  Guess what?  That’s right, there it was, a tiny little grain of rice looking blob with a heartbeat going crazy.  I can breathe a bit better now.

Next appointment is Monday.  Hoping for another heartbeat and more of a tadpole than a grain of rice.

Maybe this is the baby we’ve been praying.

Chi Enviro Keratin Treatment – A Review

After the keratin treatment – hair looks healthy and flows perfectly.

Recently I’ve had the opportunity to do a Keratin Treatment.  My good friend Annie (Wild Root Salon in Northgate Mall) has recently gotten back in the full time cosmetology business after spending years raising her boys.  She’s done my hair before but now she’s back in action and ready to tell help me with this craziness that is my hair.

She We decided on a plan of action for my hair.  Coloring, highlights, and keratin.  I am pretty easy going about my hair and it’s honestly one of my favorite features.  It’s thick, wavy, and given the environment of rain here – frizzy.  I spend on average 45-60 minutes every other day on my hair.  I can’t wash it every day because it gets too dry and often times the thought of having to spend an hour on my hair after I get out of the shower is painful so most often I pull it back, wait an extra day, or just wear it curly.

Annie laid out the products I would need and off she went.  The entire process took 4 hours (maybe it’s less for people without a ton of hair?).  During the treatment I was busy working on some accounting items and she didn’t let me look in the mirror.  It didn’t feel long because we chatted too.  (I wouldn’t recommend this type of treatment for someone who can’t sit still – unless you have a good book).

By the end of the treatment I was amazed at two things:

1. How straight and smooth my hair was – no frizz in sight.

2. It looked lighter than when we did the color the week before!

I had to wait 48 hours to wash it which wasn’t a big deal considering I wait that long usually.  There is a strange film on it for those 48 hours though – hard to describe but I was really ready to wash it when I got off work on Monday.

I wasn’t supposed to pull my hair back for 7 days – wouldn’t you know those were the hottest 7 days of September in Seattle! By day 6, the longest amount of time in my adult life I’d gone without pulling my hair back, I realized how much I liked having my hair down.  Working out was a challenge but I switched my HIIT for long walks and lifted with hair down (This was pretty miserable).

One thing I did notice when I washed my hair was a smell and not a good smell either.  Not sure why but when I washed it there was a smell the first few times.  However, this went away mostly after a week.  Occassionally I still smell it but from what I have read it doesn’t happen for everyone.  It’s worth it for the fact my hair looks SOO much better.

Now here’s the amazing part – it took me 10 min to blow dry my hair last night and 8 min to straighten it the first morning. Woohoo!  Completely worth the four hours in my opinion.  It’s now been a month – my hair looks amazing and feels soft.

I’m fairly certain I will do the treatment again – or really whatever Annie tells suggests I do next.  You can check out Annie’s profile by visiting her site: http://www.annarocks.com/Annierockshair/AnneD

*A note from Annie: Anyone wanting to have this treatment with me would have to seek a consultation first before scheduling. They can schedule this time with me by calling Wild Root Aveda Salon and Spa in Northgate Mall at 206-367-4700.

Second Sunday in May…

It’s finally May– one month closer to summer – my favorite time of year!  BBQ’s with friends, beach, sun, warm weather, and longer days – oh how I love summertime!

 

There is one day in May I also dread – the second Sunday in May, Mother’s Day.  I’d dare say it is probably the one biggest holiday in which infertile women feel the weight of their childlessness the most.  In addition to this I have two stepchildren, which remind me that another woman was able to bear children for my husband and I cannot.  It’s like getting kicked when you are down.

 

Mother’s Day – the day our church hands out a special gift to mothers.  The day I sit there and hold back the tears asking God why this is the burden I am carrying. 

 

Rather than wallow in my pity I’ve made a decision: I’m boycotting Mother’s Day this year. 

 

I will turn off my phone, not log on to Facebook and do something awesome with my husband and puppy.  Why?  Because honestly it just hurts too damn much.

 

Last year at this time I was pregnant.  This would have been my first Mother’s Day.  Since then we have had multiple failed fertility treatments.  Since then I’ve probably cried gallons of tears.  Since then I’ve woken up with more puffy eyes than I care to count.  Since then I’ve been haunted by the words spoken over me: “You will never have a baby.”  Since then I’ve had to say “Stop” to treatments, to medications, to needles, to tests, to doctors. 

 

Sometimes it is better to be unaware of what is going on around us than be hurt by it.  It’s not an attack against us, even though it feels like it.  It feels like the whole world is pointing out we can’t do the one thing our bodies are supposed to do naturally. 

 

If you are a mother then please understand I am grateful your journey involved a baby.  I have no idea if mine does anymore or not.  As a favor, if you do see an infertile friend this Mother’s Day can I ask you simply give her a hug.  You don’t have to say anything – in fact, it might be better you don’t.  Sometimes just the hug is enough. 

Iced Coffee – Caramel Mocha Latte

I spent about three months on the East Coast last year.  During that time I went up to the Adirondack Mountains with my friends.  They had me try an iced coffee.  At first I was skeptical.

It changed my world I tell ya.  No lie.  Since then I have hunted for a good iced coffee.  Living in Seattle, the coffee capital of America, I found them but at $5.00 or so per coffee I knew I needed to figure it out on my own.

I experimented last night (which is why I couldn’t sleep) and finally got it right this morning.

I made a caramel mocha latte.   I’m sitting here outside my house sipping away while in the sunshine.

Here is my recipe:

I made 5 cups of coffee using the amount of coffee for 10 cups (for me this is 4 tbsp). I want an espresso machine but it’s not in the budget yet.

After brewing I would normally put it in the container to refrigerate but I needed some caffeine ASAP so I poured 1 1/2 cups of coffee into ice and cooled it down.

To it I added 2 tbsp of chocolate syrup and 1 tbsp of Caramel Syrup.

NOTE: I make my own chocolate syrup and store it in my Hershey’s bottle.  It’s way cheaper and I think tastes better.  You can find the recipe HERE.  We only had sugar free Caramel syrup on hand so I used that.  I think I will trek to the store and get some vanilla syrup too.

Add 3/4 of a cup of whole milk (or whatever kind you drink).

Stir and top off with ice.

I store the rest of the coffee in the refrigerator.

Enjoy!

My little French Oven

I received an oval French Oven for Christmas.  I have wanted one for so long! When we got home I immediately began my quest to find any meal I could make in my new blue beauty.  These are a few I have found and love.  I am looking for more and am more than happy to take recommendations.

Chicken and Biscuits in a Pot

 I am obsessed with Food and Wine magazine.  I read it multiple times through before I can even decide what I want to try! I made this the other night.  A few things though:

1. I hate peas.  They gross me out.  So instead I opted for green beans.  I highly recommend this route.
2. I don’t have a food processor big enough for the biscuit mixture so I used the blender.  I wound up having to take it out and then nearly sliced my finger off trying to get the dough out.  I need a better method.

This is a GREAT winter night treat.  My husband, who will not eat (or even attempt to try) a pot pie said this was really good.

West Texas Carne Asado

Yes, I said Asado not Asada.  There is a difference. I love Tex-Mex.  I highly recommend this dish.  Make it from scratch.  The sauce is AMAZING.  I will be using the leftover sauce to make burritos this weekend.  I will say I made a tomatillo salsa and homemade tortillas to go with this dish.  Absolutely amazing together.

The tomatillo salsa recipe can be found HERE.  One caveat – I do not use lard in mine.  I do use a tablespoon of lime juice and one avocado.  I also omit the cumin, but if you like it – go ahead.  Oh and add salt.  It tastes better cold too.   My friend’s not yet 2 year old loved this salsa.

Perfect Pot Roast

I don’t really like pot roast – really not my favorite.  This one however I did like.  A few things: I don’t use near the amount of onions she does – about half that much.  I also add parsnips because they are in season and I like them.  Try it – you will like it too.

Hoppin’ John

I had never heard it called this until my friend Jaime mentioned it.  I looked it up and realized it was almost exactly like my mom’s black eye pea recipe.  So I gave it a shot.  They were good.  I could drink the juice – I love it.

Refried Beans

Speaking of beans – I made homemade refried beans.  To me the ones in the can taste kind of nasty.  However, this is a lot more time consuming than just popping open a can, but I still like them.   This isn’t the recipe per say in her cookbook but it is similar.

Homemade Oatmeal Cream Pies

While this recipe is not made in lovely oval French Oven – I highly recommend it.  A few things – these taste better when they are completely cooled.  They stick together and are so good.  My friend’s 5 year old approves.

I used to watch my dad eat a whole box of these from Little Debbie.  So now I make my own.  Things just taste better at home.

That’s it for now! If you have any ideas on what to make send me some ideas please!

Perspective and Hope

“Comfort zones are like that. Remember comfort zones don’t have to be comfortable – they’re just familiar.” – Unglued

 

For the past 21 days I have been unemployed – it was a choice I made, but still unemployed.  I have searched for jobs and panicked over money.  I have been frustrated each time I see a new birth announcement or pregnancy post pop up on my Facebook feed.  I have been biding my time waiting and wondering when or if I will ever have a child of my own.  I have had some not so fun medical news to take care of and wonder what this will entail.  I have been focused on all that is going wrong in my own opinion.  It’s easy to stay in the negative – to stop believing.

 

I don’t remember when I turned so negative.  I remember being a kid and honestly believing that God would just work it out.  I knew money wasn’t there for college and yet the money came through in the form of a scholarship.  I quit jobs I knew it was time for me to leave without another to go to and yet miraculously one always appeared in the nick of time before the money ran out. 

 

Then one day the pain got to be too much.  The lies tearing apart my family, the constant struggle, the battle one day to the next to wonder “What am I doing?” or “Can I do this?”  The bad news piled up.  Infertility, No short tours, Skin Cancer, Tumors, Injuries, Losing a custody battle, and then on top of it, losing a baby. 

 

It was easy to be stuck in the pain because it was a comfort zone.  Hope was the enemy.  Each time I hoped I was brought down.  Knowing and witnessing the outright joy of some when I did fall was also heartbreaking.  Yet this was about me.  I chose to stay in a place of “comfort”.  Pain had become familiar.  I took the opportunity to leave this place for a bit because I wanted out of the place I associated with pain.

 

The day I left felt like the worst day of my life.  I loved my friend and was excited to work with her company but knowing I would not wake up next to my husband the next morning cut deeper than anything I have ever known.  I began to wonder if I was making a mistake.  I have come to realize the move was good for me.  It was the best decision.  The reason – realizing pain is an indicator but not a dictator.  I was stuck.

 

The words haunt me posted on my blog – “You will never get pregnant.” I accepted their hate along with the medical issues as truth.  I stopped believing anything good could happen.  While I have not become pregnant yet, I believe miracles happen.  I believe one day I will hold a child in my arms and I will be their mother and my husband will be their father.  I don’t know how it will happen but I trust it will. 

 

It’s hard to say I trust it will happen when I know the medical issues.  It’s hard to not feel the pain of losing a child I never got to hold.  It’s hard to believe it will all work out.  Yet I know it will.  I know because I believe my God is bigger than the boogyman, or in this case, infertility.  Today I walk in hope knowing that every morning the battle isn’t just against the infertility – it’s against losing faith there is a plan to bring us a hope and a future. 

 

What Infertility Means…

I read a lot on infertility not surprising since it is a prevalent theme in my life.  I read story after story and it never fails that wherever I am if I read someone’s heartache my own heart breaks and I usually wind up in a crying mess.  These are women I do not know – I may never ever know anything else about their life except their pain. 

Infertility means fighting your emotions at a baby shower.  It means on one hand being truly happy for your friends and family and on the other hand it feels like your heart is being ripped out of your chest. 

Infertility means knowing more than you want to know about every procedure they can provide you with and at what cost.

Infertility means most likely sitting across from your significant other and saying, “I need a break from all the doctors, all the tests”.

Infertility means each month with a new cycle a new set of tears you cannot control because there is no explanation that your heart will understand. 

Infertility means sometimes wondering if your husband – who also wants kids – thinks he made a mistake because you can’t do what a woman is “supposed to do”.

People confuse infertility with people who choose not to have kids.  Let me be clear – we are different.  While we both have no children and our lives may appear similar – a closer look would reveal the struggle of wanting children and being unable to have them.

People confuse infertility with adoption. Please don’t misunderstand – adoption is amazing and special.  I would be no more my parent’s child than if I was their own flesh and blood.  Adoption may result in a child but it does not cancel infertility.  It does not make a woman fertile. 

What I do know is one day it will all make sense.  One day it will all come together.  One day I will look back and realize this made me better, stronger, wiser.  In the midst of my storm, and those who are in the same boat as me, I know the feeling when you just want to sit and break down and cry for the moment and say, “God, just take away this desire.  I’m not strong enough to deal with this pain.”  I wish I could take your pain away, much like I would give anything to have this pain subside.  The only thing that keeps me going is knowing: If it isn’t OK then it isn’t over yet. 

 

Easier?

Recently I read this question on a forum in my area: Does being a Coastie wife ever get easier?

I thought about this for a few days and watched as people responded.  Part of me wonders the same thing except I add to that: Does being a stepmom ever get easier?  Does being a wife ever get easier?  Does the pain of infertility and the pain of losing Monkey ever go completely away?

Daily we all have struggles.  Some days the struggles knock us down and render us useless for the moment.  For some it is the loss of a child, for others it is financial and others still loneliness.  I began to think about my situation, about the reality of being a wife and stepmother.  I finally responded with this:

Honestly, some days you have to put one foot in front of the other. Some days it sucks. Losing a baby taught me that. You know what you do when you watch people having baby showers, celebrating life, and you sit alone in the doctor’s office with nobody while your child is sucked out of you and you can’t have pain meds because you have to drive yourself home… You just put one foot in front of the other and know that even when the darkness seems all encompassing – one day it will all make sense. Seeing him when he comes home, being in his arms, being a family – it makes it all worth it. It has to – because without those moments of absolute clarity there would be no way of getting through. I honestly believe God gives us more than we can handle so we learn we cannot do it on our own – we aren’t meant to do it on our own. We are meant to be a community of people who support each other. That’s why we are here – because the road is tough, the nights alone are long, the days together are short. You will get through it. It’s not about it being easy – it’s about it being worth it. When it is done you can say, “We have fought the good fight, we have finished the race, we have kept the faith.” Keep holding on because every day may not be a good day, but there is some good in every day.

Life is not easy.  Marriage is not easy.  Healing is not easy.  I honestly believe it is not about being easy and more about overcoming.  Sometimes the only strength we have is an inability to be completely defeated.  Sometimes we hold onto the promise: “For I know the plans I have for you; plans to prosper and not to harm you; plans to give you a hope and a future.” (Jer. 29:11)

Is my marriage worth it?  Emphatically the answer for me is yes.   Then no, the road may not get easier for awhile.  There will still be hurdles, still be obstacles, still be pain, but at the end of the day it is worth it.